My Heart
Normally, when I work on a blog, my focus is on something scriptural that God has impressed upon me.
This month, with autism awareness month coming to a close, I felt Him nudge me to simply share my heart. (I mean, I do anyways…ok, moving on!)
There has never been a month I haven’t been aware of autism since Kaitlyn was diagnosed in September 2005. Even before her formal diagnosis, we were aware because we already knew.
Let me tell you, autism can be tough. Sometimes the load feels impossible to bear – in part because life. Just. Keeps. Going. It has messed with my head for years, taking up constant real estate in one form or another. Caveat: Any longstanding condition is a daily part of life – what I caved at, mentally, was letting it overwhelm me.
When I started writing in 2021, God opened my eyes to many things. First and foremost, His almighty matchless grace…in EVERY aspect of my life. Second, I was still pretty broken and raw in many areas. Autism was the front-and-center area, and it remains that way. Third, man am I bitter and envious at times. Whew. These are two sins I’ve confessed over…and over…and over. I have to guard my heart and mind oh so carefully or these twin sins will buffet and wreck me – kinda like they did last week.
Last week, autism did not behave well in my house (please notice here I am not targeting Kaitlyn as the culprit!). Every day, when Kaitlyn got home from adult daycare, she was ramped up for whatever reason. She came in the door hollering and yelling for several minutes each day. Here’s the thing with me: once I have slept roughly four hours, I will awaken easily and generally cannot get back to sleep.
By the time Thursday afternoon rolled around, I was exhausted. Worn out. I couldn’t figure out why I was so tired until I checked my FitBit and added up my hours of sleep. 23 hours – total – from Sunday afternoon until Thursday afternoon.
Twenty. Three. Hours.
The exhaustion was so overwhelming I wept on the way to work. Just…raw. Done.
And it hit me: this is the rest of my life.
God forgive me…and I have prayed for forgiveness. Even as I was angry and defeated, I prayed.
Driving in, alternating weeping and praying “God forgive me” over and over. I prayed that, feeling guilty about feeling burdened and overwhelmed.
(Side note: I do not believe for a hot second God was the one convincing me I was the worst mother ever. Satan can, unfortunately, get in my head too easily at times and be the accuser we know him to be.)
Why did You call ME to this journey, Father? Why, in Your holy wisdom, am I the one you chose for this?
Why…why…why…
The Lord brought something back to my mind from my second book, I Will Praise Him, about the moment of clarity He gave me that broke my bitterness. At some point, you have to quit asking “why” and instead say, “What can You use this for, Father?”
I can tell you, even as He reminded me of this, I did not reach that point Thursday night. I reached a point of caffeine overload (to the tune of six shots of espresso in my Americano!) and I stayed quiet. Tried to, but still complained some.
I know better. I do.
But that overwhelming minute of “this is the rest of my life” – repeating runs of weeks living on 20-30 hours of sleep per WEEK – was…crushing.
Folks, this – this is severe autism (I am sticking with Kaitlyn’s level because that’s what I know…I have no doubt there are times of little sleep for everyone on the spectrum at some point in time.).
This is adult autism. This is our reality.
I’m telling you this because this is the reality not just for me, but for hundreds and thousands of other families.
In many ways, we are blessed. I honestly do not know how anyone can live any life without Jesus. There are families who are in much worse places than we are. We are here, surviving – even though we have struggled so hard at times.
But…we are here.
There are many who aren’t surviving. I’ve read about and heard the stories.
Some time ago, I Googled the divorce rate for special needs families. When I checked, it was around 80%. 90% of special needs families either can’t or don’t go to church. The only reason we have been able to stay in church is the dedication of my husband and people in my church who helped so much when Kaitlyn was younger.
As autism awareness month comes to a close, I’m choosing to show a glimpse of the hard, dark side of severe adult autism. Not for pity, but for help. For clarity.
I’m not asking you to go out and buy my book. I’m asking you, as you read this, to keep our families in your prayers. Ask if there is anything you can do to help.
Write your congressmen. Appeal for us. We need more help. Relief.
Pray for us. Learn what autism is.
Most of all, just see us. We tend to hide – it’s safer. We don’t have to explain why our child is doing what they’re doing. Shoot, at 24, I still have moments I don’t have a clue why Kaitlyn acts the way she does sometimes. Ha! I can tell you, though, isolating ourselves was a huge mistake, especially for our other girls.
We love our kids – I love Kaitlyn. I pray she never suffers. I pray that I outlive her by a minute, so she never has to be alone and scared.
I love her…but autism is hard.
The Blessing of Faith
A couple of years ago, I started studying faith. Honestly, it’s an area I struggle with, and I knew (know!) that it’s something I need to work on. I actually had a notebook that I was writing notes in (if you don’t know me, realize this: I have notebooks, journals, and notes everywhere!), and I wish I could find it to peruse my thoughts from that time… but sometimes God just makes you start fresh on something so He can give you a different view.
Faith is so very individual; our Christian life is rooted in a relationship with God through His Son, Jesus — and not based on rituals or religion. That said, faith also has a more all-encompassing side, so to speak — the Bible tells us not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together (Hebrews 10:25, paraphrasing mine), meaning to keep meeting with our Christian brothers and sisters. Pray individually, but the Bible also encourages corporate prayer — praying as a group gathered together in faith. (Acts 16:6 and also Luke 22, where Jesus asked the disciples to join Him in prayer.)
How can we help others come to know Jesus as their Savior and share the joy of knowing Him if we don’t share our faith or if our faith isn’t visible through our works? (Read James chapter 2 for more on this subject!)
I remember one day reading in Galatians chapter 3 and coming to verses 8 and 9:
“And the Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the heathen (the Gentiles) through faith, preached before the gospel unto Abraham, saying, In thee shall all nations be blessed. So then they which be of faith are blessed with faithful Abraham.”
That last phrase made me stop in my tracks. All of us who believe in Jesus — all of us — are blessed in our faith because Abraham was faithful.
Where would we be if the people God used in the Bible weren’t faithful, obedient, and willing to do what God asked of them? What if Noah had told God that building the ark seemed like way too much work? If Abraham hadn’t believed God, obeyed Him, left his father’s house… if Moses hadn’t been able to put aside his fear of speaking? Would he still have been called a friend of God (Exodus 33:11)? The entire Bible is filled with examples of people living out their faith through obedience.
The greatest example: What if Jesus hadn’t been willing to leave the glorious splendor of heaven to die a horrible, wretched death at Calvary? What if, in the garden of Gethsemane after the Last Supper, Jesus changed His prayer from “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt” (Matthew 26:39) to… Father, it’s too heavy…
What if every person, or even one person, God used in the Bible decided that it wasn’t worth it? In His omniscience, God knew who would say yes to Him — who would (and will) obey His call and be willing to go and do. Even so, I am always struck anew by the sacrifice and think of the seemingly little He has asked of me.
Noah worked on the ark for around 100 years.
Abraham moved multiple times, and even though he didn’t always do everything right, he remained faithful and was called faithful. He was willing to sacrifice Isaac, the promised son God blessed he and Sarah with, because he trusted God with everything.
And Jesus — the Son of God — died on a cruel cross, reviled and rejected by men, rising again the third day to secure a place in heaven for those of us who believe.
In my Bible, I have written underneath Galatians 3:9:
“Who is blessed by my faith?”
There are plenty of times I don’t feel like I’m making any difference or helping anyone. I’ve not personally led many people to Jesus. God doesn’t look at me and determine my worth in Him based on that — He simply calls me to be faithful to what He has called me to do.
Who is blessed by your faith — and by extension, your obedience?
Don’t quit, child of God. Whether He has called you to write, preach, sing, be a doctor or nurse, or whatever He has called you to do, keep going. Keep being obedient and walk day by day in faith. Don’t throw in the towel because you’re not seeing any harvest — keep planting the seed.
I can’t wait to see Jesus face to face once I get to heaven, but I also can’t wait to meet the saints of God — both in the Bible and those I have had the chance to be around here on earth who keep running the race — who believed God and acted in faith and obedience.
Who is blessed by your faith?
Gifts
Ahhh…Christmas.
This is the time of year when we are out, running around (or scrolling on Amazon – pretty handy!) looking for the perfect gift for each person on our Christmas list. Will it be the right thing at a reasonable price?
This is also the time of year marked by so many Christians as the beginning of our faith – the birth of the holy Son of God, Jesus Christ. The ultimate, perfect gift of God…and this gift is priceless.
Would there be Christmas without the birth of our Savior? No.
(Yes, I am aware that there are pagan traditions associated with Christmas.)
Gold, frankincense, and myrrh were beautiful, symbolic gifts for the young Savior. Gold represented kingship, frankincense symbolized His role as a priest, and myrrh was used in embalming in Biblical times (www.biblicalarcheology.com with paraphrasing mine). Gifts fit for Jesus’ role as priest-king, but also foreshadowing His death on the cross.
There are other gifts spoken of in the Bible – the gifts that God gives each Christian. Mercy, teaching, preaching, exhorting – these are all gifts He has given, and each Christian has a gift. Sometimes they are obvious, and some we might have to ponder and pray to determine what exactly is our spiritual gift (by the way, there are tests you can take to help you discover what your spiritual gift is; my church uses www.ministryimprint.com but there are others).
A few days ago, I was reading Acts 7. This chapter tells of Stephen’s brief recounting of Israel’s history, their blessings, and their chosen status. It also speaks of their ultimate resistance to the Messiah – the ultimate gift.
Verse 22 struck me: “And Moses was learned in all the wisdom of the Egyptians, and was mighty in words and deeds.”
Moses…mighty in words.
The same Moses who, when God called him to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt forty plus years after he fled Pharoah’s palace, made excuses not to do as God asked (me too, Moses…me too.).
Exodus 4:10 states, “And Moses said unto the LORD, O my LORD, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou has spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.”
But wait…what happened between the palace and the wilderness?
What happened to the gift God had given him earlier of being “mighty in words”?
Honestly, I don’t know. I reread Exodus chapters 2 and 3, and nothing is mentioned there. We know from Exodus 3 and 4 that God called Moses to lead the children of Israel from Egyptian bondage into the promised land. But losing his gift?
Consider II Timothy 1:6 – “Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.”
Paul was writing this to Timothy; I looked at gotquestions.org and found this: “The Greek word translated “stir up” denotes the kindling of a fire, as by bellows.” Paul was reminding Timothy to keep using his spiritual gift, to not let that fire go out. Think of the phrase “use it or lose it” – Paul was warning Timothy his spiritual gifts have to be used frequently to be effective!
Is this what happened to Moses?
Again…I don’t know. I couldn’t find a clear answer. That said, if Paul was issuing a warning to “use or lose” your spiritual gift (and I realize that Paul isn’t here anymore to physically lay hands on anyone!), did forty years in the wilderness tending sheep by himself rather than being surrounded by people in Pharoah’s court leave him a bit rusty? Let’s be honest – are mighty words needed to be a shepherd? Do you want to remember who you were when you had to flee the palace because you killed someone…do you want to constantly be reminded of who you once were?
This, quite obviously, is conjecture on my part…
But there is a message there: not only has God given us the greatest gift in His Son, Jesus, but we also have other gifts given to us by God to continue putting to use for Him! For more on the gifts given to us as Christians, read Romans 12 and I Corinthians 12.
This Christmas season, I resolve to be grateful not only for Jesus, but also the gifts God has bestowed on me. I also resolve to use the gifts He has blessed me with to the best of my ability – for His glory.
What is your gift this Christmas, friend? Have you received Jesus as the ultimate Gift? Don’t turn away from the greatest gift ever! And once you have received Him, pray and seek your spiritual gift and use it for Him!
Abide
I haven’t posted a blog in a while…it’s been a crazy few months in our household.
This one…God gave this to me a few months ago, and honestly, it’s a hard one for me because I struggle greatly with it. Out of obedience, I’m fine tuning it and posting it…I pray it helps someone.
God will open my spiritual eyes from time to time and allow me to see something fresh and new. He will do that for you as well! Problem is sometimes, it’s something to change me and just like everyone else, change is hard for me.
I John 2:28 states, “And now, little children, abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming.”
I John 3:24 – “And he that keepeth his commandments, dwelleth in him, and he in him. And hereby we know that he abideth in us, by the Spirit which he hath given us.”
To abide, by definition, means “to wait for”, “to continue in a place: sojourn”, “to accept without objection”, and several others (www.merriam-webster.com). It is an old English word also having the idea of lodging, dwelling, continuing, and enduring (www.biblestudytools.com).
The Greek word for abide is “meno”, meaning to stay, remain, or continue. The Hebrew word is “yashab”, which translates to “to sit, dwell, or remain” (www.biblehub.com).
So why is this so important?
My takes: first, God already abides in us, according to I John 3:24. The Holy Spirit dwells in us (I John 4:13, Romans 8:9,11). He already continues with us! This should be reason enough, no? Second, our obedience in keeping his commandments shows we are dwelling in him – remember dwelling and abiding are tied so closely together. It’s hard to obey Him if we are not staying close enough to hear what He wants us to do, either by prayer or meditating in His word.
How, then, do we abide in God?
Well…how do you abide with your spouse?
You talk to them. Have open communication.
You dwell with them – you live in the same space. You lodge together and, quite frankly, endure things together sometimes. (Hey, it ain’t always easy!)
You seek opportunities to spend time with them – or you should. Don’t take advantage of the fact that they will always be there, because things change in a moment. Thankfully that is not how it is with God – if we seek Him, we will find Him (Deuteronomy 4:9) and He has promised He will never us or forsake us! (Hebrews 13:5)
Abiding with our Heavenly Father is a little different, though…do we physically dwell with Him? I cannot see Him, but I feel His presence…so how do I dwell in that presence?
First (not necessarily in order of importance) is living a life of prayer. Prayer keeps us connected; it is our line of communication. It is us coming to the Father and listening to His response to us (that’s the harder one for me…listening…). We are to pray without ceasing (I Thessalonions 5:17). Do you ever have times when you just don’t talk to someone for a while, and it’s…awkward? You feel disconnected? It’s the same with God. Keep seeking Him and keep praying. Keep praising Him, keep worshipping Him for He is worthy!
Next, obey Him. Remember that one definition of abide, to accept without objection? That sounds an awful lot like blind obedience, or in other words, FAITH. This is a hard one for me, because I’m a control freak. Obeying Him without question, trusting that He is my omniscient and omnipresent Father who knows all and will work things out in His good…but…but…but…
I hear you, friends. It’s my biggest area of struggle, but faith and obedience go hand in hand. Remember the old hymn “Trust and Obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus”? It’s still true, but it’s still hard! What I have found, though, is that as I obey Him, I become more settled. More peaceful.
Honestly, I didn’t want to type this blog out today. (Gasp!) I’ve been fighting some other battles, and I just didn’t want to do it…but this blog has been for me. Will it help anyone else? I pray it does, but it has helped me.
The third thing (not the last in order of importance!) is staying in His word. It is where we continue to learn of Him. It’s where I read the stories of other people in the Bible who struggled but still kept going. It’s where I read His promises and see, over and over again, the examples of His unfailing love. It’s also where He grows me and shapes me; where He will point out a verse and it’s like I’m reading it for the first time.
I think of abiding in God as a place of comfort, of refuge. A place of rest.
A place of peace – where I can relax and lay my burdens down.
Dwelling somewhere just gives me the feeling that this is home; this is where I can lay my head down and relax in comfort.
And why shouldn’t it be that way?
God is my source of peace, of hope, of joy.
He is my resting place.
He is the One I can bring every burden to. I can leave it all with Him and let Him take care of the things that trouble me. He will do that if I give them to Him, trust Him with them, and leave them there! Philippians 4:6 tells us to “be careful for nothing”; we aren’t to worry or fret.
Honestly…why would I not want to abide in, dwell with, and live for the God who can give me peace and security in this crazy world?
Abide in Him, friends. He is so worth it.
July Blog
June and July have been odd months for me this year.
Have you ever felt like you were just…existing? Not living. No potential.
There have been some hard, dark things I’ve been battling that, no matter how hard I prayed, just hung at the edges of my periphery. Always ready to invade.
More hard. In a life with lots of hard.
I kept chastising myself- “Mel, you know God is with you. You know this. What’s wrong with you??”
But have you ever had moments where you were…done? Tired? Weary?
Not able to accept and give thanks for your reality, but wanting what YOU want and not focused on God’s will?
Just me? Yes? No? (I’m kidding…sort of…)
I was, in a word, stuck.
I would look around and say, Mel, seriously-it’s not that bad. What is your problem?
Honestly, it was my focus.
This past week, I saw my ortho PA (who I’ve known and allowed him to stick needles in various joints for years now) to get my knees injected. (I have pic! I can share!)
We chatted, caught up. His wife is studying family therapy, and they were on the topic of childhood trauma. She had mentioned one student saying, “This was my normal.”
Yup. Me too, friend.
We chatted, and somehow, I got on the topic of my mom’s death.
Eighteen years ago on July 20th, my mom saw Jesus face to face.
It would have been a relief, but she died-dramatically-on fire.
Some things are imprinted in your mind forever. This was definitely one of them.
But I looked at my PA and told him there was so much grace.
So many moments.
I began to tell him the story. He had the same reaction as many people I’ve told. Some shock, a lot of sadness, a smidge of horror.
It was, in all honesty, one of the darkest times of my life.
My mom’s dying. Her death. The loss of my parents’ home. He was in a burn unit for four days.
Kaitlyn was five and was getting in-home ABA therapy 40 hours per week. Erica was three and a half; at this point she knew her sister as the runner/fighter/screamer she was at that time. Autism was our “normal”.
Hopeless…or so things seemed.
The sun could have been shining outside, but not in my heart and mind.
Oh gosh, was I praying. But-surviving.
Those two weeks, though. The week I went up to say goodbye because I knew mom was dying…then the week following after her death. She died fourteen hours after I left Pennsylvania.
Driving down to Atlanta to catch another flight. Crying until my face was swollen.
Seeing the house-oh my. The charred walls, the moldy and musty smell from the multiple fire engines it took to put the fire out.
My dad, who never cried, sobbing in the hospital.
And yet-grace on grace. Grace I truly had never needed before. And moments of peace only God can give.
The kindness of strangers and those of my childhood church. The generosity of my church family.
Moments when I knew without a doubt God was right there in the midst of this dark, dark valley.
As I was telling him the story, I was crying a little- not a lot. After all, it’s been eighteen years. A lifetime. My girls are now 23, 21, and 16.
My mom never met my Nat.
Mom might have struggled as a mom, but oh the grandmom she was. Wow! That was when you could see the healing power of Jesus…in how she was with them. I’m so, so thankful.
It hit me again after I left the office with my bandaided, slightly sore knees-injections numbers whatever-that still, small voice of my Father that I could hear in my mind.
“I’ve never left you.”
At that time, eighteen years ago, I lost my mom who struggled her whole life. Many times, she was as easy to get close to as a cactus because of her own trauma. I was blanketed in overwhelming despair. It wasn’t just her death – that was a lot in its own right – but there was just so. Much. Loss.
Autism. Drowning in debt. So much.
But I survived…by His grace, I survived.
He never has left me. And He never will.
Whatever dark storm you are in right now – and you know what a storm is for you – take comfort. Our Savior calms the seas with His word.
He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
His grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9).
And if His grace doesn’t seem sufficient, pray for more! Be bold and pray for grace and mercy! (Hebrews 4:16)
Child of God, you are never alone. Let God be the light in your darkness – He already is. Then later, you can be a light to someone else.
II Corinthians 2:4 – “Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”
June blog
What is my worth?
Father’s Day was this past Sunday, and the pastor preaching the sermon was describing what fatherhood was like for him – how he adored and treasured his daughters from their births.
How he loved them…and how much more our heavenly Father loves us.
Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day, really) are kind of weird for me.
Technically, I’m an orphan – I have been since 2016. I became an orphan at 44, and I don’t really consider myself an orphan at that age. I tend to associate the word “orphan” with young children.
That said, my parents weren’t loving and supportive. They didn’t treasure me just because I was their child.
My worth was not in who I was, but rather did I measure up to their version of who I should be?
I was overweight as a child – I’m pretty sure I’ll always struggle with my weight – and my dad called me fat. Often. My mom would tell him I wasn’t but would then turn around and tell me to do some sit-ups – at age 7 – or go ride my bike. (That being said, physical activity is excellent and I’m not at all against it!)
I was tested for the gifted program at 7 years old, in the second grade. My IQ tested out at 145 if I remember correctly. From that point on, it had to be straight A’s in school.
“You’re gifted”, my mom would say – but she never offered to help me with homework if I needed it. Why should I need help?
If I got a B, why couldn’t I get an A? I was being lazy. If an A minus, why not an A? Or if an A, why not an A plus? And if you don’t get all A’s, by the way, we are putting you in public school and taking you out of Christian school (I was terrified of being around that many people – I had been bullied at school most of my life as well.)
Perfection. That was my standard.
Oh – and not to be like my sister.
Constantly compared, never good enough.
I didn’t really have a relationship with my dad – not totally his fault – my mom wouldn’t allow it.
(And before you think I’m really bashing my parents, I will tell you this – their childhoods were horrible, and I honestly believe now that they truly did try in many ways. Unfortunately, some wounds are a little deep!)
Hearing a father say he adored his child because she simply existed – wow.
But ya know what?
My parents are not God.
They were flawed, imperfect humans who didn’t ever know of God, really, until I was 12. My mom got saved when I was 12 and my dad got saved shortly thereafter.
In reality, though, there are no perfect parents. I’m not either – so far from it. So very, very far.
I find myself, on occasion, saying or thinking something similar to what my parents said – God forbid. That old narration is sure hard to break. I’m thankful the Holy Spirit stops many things in my head before they reach my mouth – because death and life are truly in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21).
My girls’ worth is not in their being busy from sunup to sundown.
My worth – and yours – is not measured by your waistline.
Or your clothing size…or what you wear.
Or your hair color or style…or your eye color.
Your worth is not measured in who you know or your profession.
Your worth, my friend, comes from being a human being created in God’s image – God breathed into man the breath of life (Genesis 2:7, 1:27).
Your worth comes from a God who knew who you would be thousands of years before you were born (Psalm 139:13-16).
He knew exactly who I would be – my flaws, imperfections, hangups and sins. He knew the good, the bad, and the ugly. He gave me free will (like He does every other person) and He knew I would mess it up from time to time. (Daily…hourly…)
And He wanted me here – He has a purpose for me. Many times, what was meant for evil in my life He has used for His good.
He loved me enough to send Jesus to die for me (John 3:16) – for all of us.
For whosoever will call on the name of the Lord He will save (Acts 2:21) – I am a whosoever.
I matter to God – He loves me. He treasures me.
(That doesn’t mean He loves my sin, because He sent Jesus to save me from that sin and restore me to fellowship with Him!)
I chose Jesus – and I’m so thankful I did.
But long before I chose and loved Jesus, He loved me.
My worth – and yours – comes from God.
Look to God, my friend.
Let Him heal and restore you. Let Him repair the brokenness you carry. He is the only One who can.
May blog
When I wrote this out, I honestly didn’t intend to make it public. Sometimes it’s just too vulnerable
admitting some of these – I mean, I’m a Christian writer and that means for sure my halo is on, and my
wings are just right.
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I make myself laugh sometimes!
I wrote this after my hip surgery in January. I wanted to post a blog for May…even have a different one
written out for the occasion (hey, at least I’m prepared for June!).
I was just having some moments tonight. Moments of doubt, of uncertainty in some areas.
So, I decided to go ahead and post this – I’m praying it’ll help someone!
Blessings!
“Maybe”
Maybe that person who constantly hears “you’ll be fine” feels like they’ll never be fine.
Maybe that person who does their best to check on others when they’re struggling needs checking on as
well.
Maybe they check on people because they know what it’s like to feel forgotten and alone, and they
want to try to make sure no one they know feels that way.
Maybe the person who everyone turns to for answers feels the weight of responsibility drown them for
half a second before they answer – but they never let that show.
Maybe the person who seems like they have it all together feels like a total fake, because honestly some
days they’re hanging on by the thinnest thread.
Maybe the person who does their best to encourage and edify everyone just needs one person to do
that for them – because they think they’re a failure.
Maybe the person who is told they are amazing never feels that way, because they learned early on they
were never good enough…so they try harder than anyone else.
Maybe the person who is told how strong they are just…never had a choice. They just didn’t have the
option of quitting – despite how much they wanted to.
Maybe the person who hears “I wish I looked like you” would trade their looks in a heartbeat to have a
life that wasn’t weighed down in pain and responsibility.
Maybe the person who seems to fight battles so easily only makes it look that easy because they
suffered in silence, knowing crying out for help wouldn’t do any good. In fact, sometimes drawing
attention to themselves would make it worse.
But then maybe…
Maybe all these things could have an element of truth to them. Or they are true some days.
Maybe they feel as real to you as the phone or computer you’re using to read this.
Maybe there is a shade of truth here, but maybe it’s made worse because Satan has dug his evil claws in
and warped it. That isn’t an easy one to answer.
But maybe…just maybe…you don’t need to feel this way forever.
Because…
There is an answer.
And there is HOPE.
And in the midst of hurting, there is healing.
In the midst of the “maybe’s”, there is a man…God…named Jesus.
Jesus can…
Restore the broken.
Bring peace and surety to your soul
Heal the wounded and the wounds – emotional, mental, physical, and especially spiritual.
While He heals, He will bring comfort but there may be some pain.
He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
He will be your friend that sticks closer than a brother.
He will be your Light even in the darkest times (John 8:12).
He will fight for you…man, this is HUGE for me, because I want to keep swinging my sword. All I need
to do is hold my peace (Exodus 14:14).
He will love you forever with a perfect and steadfast love. He already showed it on an old rugged
cross.
Choose Jesus – choose healing. But be prepared, because Satan feeds our brokenness.
Keep the full armor of God on!
Take a step of faith towards Jesus – let His love heal you and soften every blow of this life!
The Other Side of Grace
A week or so before Easter, I was doing my devotions. I’ll be honest, I don’t always pray before for God to open my eyes…I didn’t this day, but in His kindness, He showed me something I found very different.
Hebrews 2:9 states, “But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels for the suffering of death, crowned with glory and honour, that he by the grace of God should taste death for all men.”
When I think of grace, I tend to think of it in positive terms.
“For my grace are ye saved through faith…” in Ephesians 2:8a.
Hebrews 4:16 – “Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”
These are two of many, many verses in the Bible about grace.
In my first book, Confessions of Grace: My Survival Guide, I wrote about the many times God’s grace sustained me, kept me whole, and protected me.
Kept me from paying a penalty I owed but truly couldn’t pay.
But this verse, Hebrews 2:9, struck such a chord with me for two reasons.
Grace, in this verse, shows me that Jesus was “made a little lower than the angels”. Why is this important? Because we humans are a little lower than the angels (Psalm 8:5) – and yet in this psalm, our Lord has crowned humans with glory and honor, and He thinks of us. I encourage you to read that entire psalm!
The other reason? Grace, it would seem here, seems negative.
Because God’s grace for us involved His precious son Jesus coming from His throne in glory to be brought to a human level – a little lower than the angels – and suffering an agonizing death for us at Calvary.
That same grace that saves us when we put our faith in Jesus Christ is the same grace that led Jesus to taste death for all men.
Grace, for mankind, is freedom and salvation. It is free to all who believe.
We just celebrated Easter, the day millions of Christians worldwide celebrate victory over sin and death when our Savior walked out of the tomb.
He made grace available for all of us, at enormous cost to Himself.
His grace, that He willingly took on by His Father, cost Him his life.
The grace that set me free is the grace that caused my Jesus to suffer.
The grace that allows me to live forever in eternity with my Savior is the same grace that caused Jesus to pay the debt that we could not pay, but He surely did not owe.
“Thank you” is too small, too trivial for such a tremendous sacrifice.
He owed nothing…yet paid everything.
What can I give Him? I cannot repay Him. But I can give Him my heart. My self. My will, my desires, my all.
Where He leads, I will follow. What He asks, may I always obey for the love I have for Him.
Father, thank You for Jesus. For His sacrifice and Yours in giving us your precious Son.
Scars
What a strange topic for a New Year’s blog!
Why scars?
As always, God takes things personal to use and hopefully help others.
This topic—what God gave me to write—is just more proof that God does indeed see me. He is my El Roi, and He is very much involved in my “mess”.
I had hip surgery roughly a week ago. My thirteenth ortho surgery.
Thirteenth.
I’m literally covered in scars. Both knees, both shoulders, right elbow, right wrist, left hip times two, and…other places. Those are the visible scars.
The day after this last surgery, I realized I was having a reaction to the dressing over my surgical site. Don’t blame the OR staff. They asked three times about using this particular dressing, and previously I have only had issues with it near my face and neck.
(Well, that changed…)
Blisters and red areas developed all around the periphery of the dressing.
We tried a slightly different dressing at my first physical therapy appointment the day after surgery. Hours later, I was itching. Sigh.
After showering, I cleansed and redressed the areas with a different dressing. (It’s handy being a nurse sometimes!)
No dice. Reacted to the adhesive in that dressing as well.
Along with this, I have to take or inject blood thinners after every lower extremity surgery (read: hips, knees, back) since I have had blood clots in my leg before.
For the record, I know how to give these shots. Been there, done that, tipped the waitress once or twice. Even so, I’m covered in itty bitty bruises by the time I’m at that ten-day mark.
That first shot, though…I didn’t do that one so well, and the results was a inch-sized bruise.
I looked down at my swollen, bruised leg and my swollen, bruised belly from the shot…looking down at blisters and tape burns that feel like they are on fire. I actually started sniffling.
And I thought, Oh great. More scars.
More things to heal from.
And I felt the Lord whisper to me, “Write about scars.”
(I know better than to tell Him no by now!)
I always start researching whatever word or topic He wants me to focus on.
Interestingly enough, the word “scar” isn’t mentioned in the Bible—at least not the KJV English translation. Scar, scars, scarred, scarring…nada.
Wound, wounds, marred, broken…yes. Heal, healing healed…lots of mentions on those.
So what is a scar? According to Merriam-Webster, it is a “mark remaining after injured tissue has healed.” Also, “a lasting moral or emotional injury.”
Huh…wonder why this word isn’t in the Bible?
Maybe…just maybe…because God knows we humans have a tendency to focus on what happened, what caused the scar, the injury/surgery/pain? Heaven knows I do.
I don’t know if this is the answer, but I know who I am and how I am. I tend to focus on the pain and not the process, the problem and not the solution, the scar and not the healing.
You know who else has scars, friends? Big, nasty, undeserved scars?
Jesus. Our Savior.
Scars on His back from being whipped. On His head from the crown of thorns pushed onto His head. On His hands and feet from being nailed to a cross. On His side where a Roman soldier pierced His side with a sword after He died. (Read John 19 for the account of our Lord’s crucifixion.)
He could have healed Himself from those scars—after all, He is God.
Instead, He used those wounds to show His disciples it was really Him (John 20:20) and to prove to doubting Thomas (and while we judge Thomas, aren’t we the same way?) in John 20:27 that it was indeed Him. Thomas’s answer to Jesus telling him to thrust his hand into Jesus’s side was “My Lord and my God.”
Why does that matter?
Thomas recognized this was Jesus, the same Jesus who just three days before hung on a cross and died, by those scars. They identified Him in a way.
In reality, our scars give us some identity. They tell of past surgical procedures, trauma, and abuse.
Scars represent not only pain, but healing. Would an area be considered healed without a scar? Otherwise, it would still be a wound…an unhealed, festering wound.
Wounds can take a long time to heal, and some leave terrible scars.
Some scars are so small they are barely visible.
The big ones, though? Those are usually big battles, big wounds.
This applies to physical and mental or emotional wounds, and some of those emotional wounds are worse than physical. Those “scars” don’t look the same. (Maybe I’ll talk about those later!)
So, what is my point?
Friends, what am I going to focus on when I see a scar? Am I going to focus on whatever left the scar, or will I focus on the fact that God pulled me through yet another battle?
Do my scars represent pain in my mind or victory? The battle itself or a battle won by God’s grace?
What can I do about what those scars represent? Nothing. I cannot change the past.
But what I CAN do is shift my focus—I can quit dwelling on how bad it was and instead focus on being delivered and being healed. Even if I’m not quite the same as before, by God’s grace He allowed me to survive…again!
Let me encourage you, friends—look at your scars differently. Make your trip down memory lane different and look at the path back. Focus on how God healed you!
See those scars as an identifying place and time when God brought victory. Jesus bears scars on His hands, feet, and side, but He bears them as our risen Savior. His story didn’t end on that harsh Roman cross. His story is our victory!
Shift your focus this year and look at your healing.
God bless you, friends.
Here am I for my February blog!
I have been pondering for a few days about what to post, and after praying and reflecting I thought…let’s keep this simple.
February…the month of love. Valentines Day and all that, right?
Romance. Hearts and flowers. Dinner and a movie, dancing with your spouse…are you already rolling your eyes and saying “okay, whatever” or are your eyes lit up like stars thinking about it?
There’s nothing wrong with romance and romantic love…read the Song of Solomon lately? BUT…that side of love is so, so hard to sustain every day. The reality is, if you’re blessed to get and stay married, there’s more “non” romantic times than not…but you know your spouse still loves you.
A quick hug and kiss, telling them “I love you”, them making your coffee, someone different making dinner for a change up..that all says “I love you” as well.
There’s one more huge, amazing way we are loved.
By God.
John 3:16-“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (KJV)
Why did I emphasize so??
I never really thought about that little word until I was at a Triumphant Quartet concert. After they sang the song Even Me, which is based on John 3:16, Eric (their bass singer) remarked that God not only loved us, but He SO loved us.
We use it all that left time, that little word…”That dress is so pretty on you!” “That is so stupid!” “You are so…(insert whatever insult or compliment you want here…ha!). But you get the idea.
The definition of “so”: “to a great extent or degree: very, extremely” (www.merriam-webster.com). It’s basically adding much emphasis to something.
God not only loved us enough to give us Jesus, He so loved us. He loved us to a great extent. Loved us extremely. Like, giving us His only Son to save us from our sins and restore a relationship with us version of loved us extremely.
And He loves us enough still that He provides for us daily. He cares for us, and tells us to cast our cares on Him (I Peter 5:7). He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). I could fill a whole book…or maybe 10…with how God loves us.
And His love will never, ever fail us. Our spouse will fail us. Our parents will. Friends will. Children will. Every human will fail you…some meaning to; I would dare say more is unintentional. But God won’t.
So this Valentine’s Day, whatever relationship status you have, know and believe that even if you don’t feel loved on this earth…even if you don’t feel like you have anyone…if you have Jesus as your Savior, you have the source of perfect love.
I pray you know Him, and if not I would be happy to help you!! And if you have Jesus as your Savior, remember and know just how much…how so much….He loves us!!
Ahhhh, spring…
For so many people, spring is their favorite time of the year. (Just to be different, I’m a fall girl!)
For some reason this year, though, spring has been more…special.
What does spring signify to you?
To me, spring signifies hope. It signifies new life. Beauty and color from the dull of winter. Warmth instead of cold.
I firmly believe there are reasons for winter, though…there is healing that happens in times of rest. I’m a nurse, and I firmly believe in the power of healing rest. This month, many Christians will celebrate the observance of Easter…I phrase it like that because truly, we need to remember our risen Savior every day!! That said, there is something extra special, for whatever reason, for the remembrance of Easter to fall in the month hailing spring.
What does Easter mean to you, dear friend?
Is it about cute fluffy bunnies? Chocolate? Colored eggs and jellybeans? Or is about the Lamb of God, first giving His life a living sacrifice for us (Hebrews 10:12) but then taking the keys of death and hell and walking out of Joseph’s tomb alive? I do love me some chocolate, don’t get me wrong…but no Cadbury crème egg ever did for me what Jesus did! There was no jellybean that was able to redeem my soul from
hell; and as much as I love sweet fluffy rabbits, they cannot ever begin to do for me what the Lamb of God did. He arose!! Jesus lives forevermore!!
His leaving the tomb was celebrated in what seems a small way, with only a small handful of people initially knowing about His resurrection. What must it have been like, for Mary Magdalene and Mary, Jesus’ own mother, realizing that He had “risen, just as He said”? (Matthew 28:6, paraphrasing mine.)
Shellshocked. Some disbelief…would I have run to tell the others or asked for proof, as Thomas did?
The death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus is the very essence of new life. This season, as I feel hope coming out of a season of some personal winter, I am feeling the joy and wonder of growth and change…not only because of spring coming, but knowing that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me!! (Romans 8:11)
No matter how bad your winter might have been…how dreary and gray, how weary, how long that time of no growth might have seemed…if you are a believer that season will not last forever. But this is where faith comes in…even as the disciples had heard Jesus tell them that He would rise again; even knowing the Old Testament Scriptures that prophesied of Jesus, His time in the tomb had to seem interminable.
But oh, the joy of that third day!!! Believer, hang on for your “third day”. Hang on for your hope, your spring. And in the meantime, rejoice in knowing we serve a risen Savior who gives us the very
reason for all hope in our darkest times.
May this Easter season and this spring bring joy and a renewing of hope to you!
Ahhh, April.
The month where the weather is as unpredictable as my mood swings currently. Oh wait, I shouldn’t admit that, should I? My bad!! I went with my bestie to hear some amazing Southern Gospel music…so thankful for the time away, the music, the worship, and my friends! I had the opportunity to share my testimony via a Zoom call, and whoa…it was…wow. I pray that my testimony points others to Jesus. That’s the whole point of it, right?? Had some prayers answered that you would think would sustain me for life, they were so miraculous!! But oh…when God is moving, when you are trusting Him, boy oh boy does the enemy attack. And he has. And I’ve whimpered and crumbled a few times. Allowed the victories that God allowed, the prayers He has answered be overshadowed by all the other…stuff.
The prayers He didn’t seem to answer. The “no” answers…or the “wait”…I don’t even know which is worse! I’m writing tonight, low-key wracked in pain by a rainy weather front (12 joint surgeries and you, too, will feel like a lightning rod!!), trying to fight off a pity party over what God hasn’t done yet instead of shouting victory over what He has done. I’m a doofus and I will own it… But yet in all this…I can sense His presence, because I’ve already poured out my heart to Him.
Prayed and asked Him to forgive my lack of faith and thanked Him where He has moved. Philippians 4:6 says, “Be careful for nothing: but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” My pastor preached about this…and how praise will stop the devil in his tracks. Be careful for nothing means…don’t worry about anything. Don’t be anxious about anything!!!
Bring it ALL to God. He wants to hear from us!! But as my pastor said, tell Him…and thank Him for what He has done!! Friends, I want to rush Him…I want things my way and at the time I want…at the same
time telling God I trust Him, and I will do His will. (Pssstttt…those two thoughts are many times diametrically opposed, in case you didn’t know!)
So folks, this month…I just wanted to be real. Wanted to reassure someone that might be struggling the same way…God is still moving. He hears and He is listening. But His timeline and mine are not the same.
Until He makes things clearer…be faithful where you are, where He has you now. Be thankful for what you have…I promise He will provide what you need!! But most of all…keep a tight hold on your shield of faith (Ephesians 6 tells the whole armor of God.). We serve a mighty God Who works miracles and is a prayer-answering God!
Until next month!!
Blessings!
I am loved by a holy God!
(I was pulled in what felt like a million directions in May and didn’t get my blog done…now it’s June and I’m making up for lost time!) In so many ways recently, God has been showing me His love. Oh to know the love of God! But His love is shown to us in many different ways…
We always want to equate His love with warm and fuzzy feelings, but in Psalm 139:23-24 David wrote, “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
I prayed the other day…felt a little self-righteous as I prayed it. Lord, show me what is weak in me…show me where I need to change. (This isn’t the first time I’ve prayed something similar to this, but it’s the first I’ve prayed with this attitude…should have tipped me off!)
It was great until He did just that. Kinda reminded me of the time I was at physical therapy, and I was feeling good that day…then I made the mistake (jokingly) and asked, “Is that all you’ve got??” Just lob a soft one over the plate next time, why don’tcha??
Hebrews 12:6a states, “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.” Folks, it’s been a rough couple of days since that prayer. I am so thankful, though…in respond to my prayer to our holy Father to show me where I needed to change…to repent, to turn away from…He showed me.
Did it feel good at the time! NOOOOO!!! Honestly? I was initially more than slightly off-put by it. But our God, our holy Father, is not just a “big squishy hug” God – He is a righteous, holy Father.
Like a good earthly father to his children who guides them because he loves them and wants their best…knows more than they do what they will need in life, what could cause them harm…so our Heavenly Father is with His children who have received Jesus as their Savior…His children who have been adopted into the family of God. What kind of Father would He be if He never chastened me? (Hint: I’ve seen what
happens when earthly fathers never guide their children in love…sometimes it ain’t pretty!!)
Now, a couple of days after my day of spiritually wrestling with God…feeling a little hurt, stung…once I bowed my head to Him, literally and figuratively…told Him it has to be His will…the end result was peace.
And oh, what a precious commodity peace is today!! Truthfully, as hard as correction is to receive in a “it’s my way or the highway” world, as humbling as it can be…once I got over that stupid, stubborn pride I battle on occasion…there is a quietness that settles over my soul. I don’t have to have my way all the time…don’t have to try to figure everything out…I can trust my Father.
He settles me. I respond better to Him. My prayer life is more active, more engaged, more real. I’m more likely to remember to pray. I want to keep that close communion. And in turn, I am calmer with others…my kids…my husband. My friends. I can help, by God’s grace, serve others in love. It becomes less of me and more of Him. And that is how it should be. As God molds me more into the image of Jesus, He should take more and more preeminence.
I’m so thankful for a holy, righteous God who loves me enough to want the best for me.
It is November 15th .
It’s early morning (or late night for me, however you see it!).
I haven’t blogged in a while…it’s been a super busy few months for me.
My first book, Confessions of Grace, was republished.
My third book, Mom, I’m Mater: My Life as an Autism Mom, was published just last month! (It’s
available on westbowpress.com, Amazon, and barnesandnoble.com)
And truthfully, I should have better armed myself for the spiritual battles I knew would be coming.
Satan isn’t hot on Christians having victory, after all…
This past battle, just last week, was bad enough I was questioning God’s goodness…mercy. Honestly, I
was mad. There were circumstances that came up that just tore at me and stretched me beyond my
limits.
What broke me out of the funk??
A Facebook reel. Seriously.
A pastor I enjoy listening to was speaking of God’s will. How he felt like he was missing it at times. (Me
too! Me tooooooo….)
What is God’s will?
Look in I Thessalonians 5:16-18.
“Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ
Jesus concerning you.”
Wait…is that all?? That’s His will?
Seems too easy, right?
Not even a little bit…at least not for me.
I struggle with finding the dark lining in the most lovely white fluffy cloud.
I sure don’t rejoice evermore. Nor do I pray without ceasing.
And thanking Him in everything? Oh that’s not even funny how I fail Him there…God forgive me.
Even in that, though…as I battled where He wanted me to be, what He wanted me to do…what He
wants me to do…He had the mercy to take me back to the basics.
Rejoice. Pray. Give thanks.
Start there. It’s an every day battle, at least for me.
But I decided at that point this is where I needed to get back to…and then let God do His work. Let Him
get the increase and the glory.
If I’m focused on Him, I don’t focus on….me.
If I focus on Him and praising Him, it’s a lot harder to see the bad.
So this Thanksgiving season and into Christmas, focus on the basics.
Rejoice. Pray. Give thanks.
Love you all,
Mel
